It’s always so sudden. I’ll just be working on something or watching T.V. and I’ll think, “where am I headed in life? Where will I be in five years? Am I doing enough?”. When I don’t have answers for those questions, more begin to bubble to the surface. So many come that I can’t keep them separate and they mash into just a loud voice in my head that is yelling, “YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL.” Even though I don’t even know what I’m going to fail at, I just know I’m going to fail.
No matter what it is, doubt is always there to keep me company when my mind wonders since I’ve graduated high school. Now that I’m graduating college in a few short months, he’s been making his visits a little more regular. I find myself looking up graduate schools at 2 a.m. and teaching certificates in between classes. Anything to buy myself some time before I have to make up my mind on what to do. If I make up my mind what to do, I’ll fail, or worse, I’ll miss out on something that I could’ve been happier with.
Doubt only seems to crawl back into his cave inside the folds of my mind when I’m creating. When doing photography I have no doubts about my ability, when I’m writing a post I know that I’m building something. But as soon as my fingers quit clicking or the last photo is done doubt will remind me how unstable these careers are, how much competition there is and how I have no experience. It gets so overwhelming I decide to go to grad school next semester or become a high school teacher. Then I’ll be safe, then doubt will pack up his bags because his job is done.
It’s tricky being able to keep a clear head and be able to pick my work back up after I ended a week long fight with myself. I’m tired and my work doesn’t look as good as when I made it. It takes some time to get back into the motions and I hope that I’ll get somewhere this time before doubt comes back so this time I can say, “look, this is what I made and it’s good, I can do this.”